Deep Thoughts

Around 4:30 yesterday I got a call to see the house. Instead of driving around our neighborhood, spending money aimlessly at the store or eating out, I decided to be productive with my time and we headed to the YMCA. Brad had an evening simulator so I packed up the girls, and the dogs, and we joined the after work crowd at the Y. I'm usually there in the morning so the evening chaos was new to me. That's really all beside the point...which actually I'm not sure if I have one right now.

In preparation for my July triathlon I'm going to participate in an indoor version at the Y in late February. It's a 200 meter swim, 6 mile bike, then a 2 mile run. So last night I decided to run 1.5 and bike 3 miles as a warm up for the real thing. I was having a tough work out mentally. I think I was tired and my body was confused as to why we were at the gym at 5:00pm. Then a song came on my MP3 player that effected my entire attitude. I was struggling on the stationary bike and thinking to myself, "why am I getting a nice road bike and participating in a triathlon when I don't even like to bike, or run?!" when the song "This is Your Life" by Switchfoot began to play. The lyrics go like this:

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes,

This is your life
And today is all you've got now
And today is all you've ever had
Don't close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed that it would be when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?

I've always liked the song...but for whatever reason at that moment I found it extremely inspiring and motivating. Perhaps because I was sitting there with my legs spinning in circles and questioning most things about my life. I began to think that I need to be doing this because, no, this isn't who I physically want to be and I want to demand more of myself. I began to visualize myself completing my first race and the rush I anticipate I'll feel at that moment.

And then it evolved into thinking about my role as a wife and a mother. I thought about how being married isn't everything I dreamed it would be, yet the reality of it is much greater in many ways. I thought about how having three daughters isn't as daunting as I anticipated. I thought about how I've evolved in my struggle as a stay at home mom who always felt the need to tell someone at a playgroup that I have a Masters and I'm capable of more then changing diapers and wiping noses. I think I've settled into a level of contentment in my mommy role and I know that I'm capable (yet not worthy) of the awesome responsibility it is to raise kids in addition to a lot of things beyond the mommy realm...but if I'm the only one who is aware of that then that is enough.

Then my mind wandered back from it's "Deep Thoughts" moment (I used to love that segment on SNL) and I realized how much my butt was hurting from the bike seat. Then I began thinking again...what am I thinking doing a triathlon? I left the Y that night proud of myself for mustering up the energy to drag myself, the dogs, and the girls up there in rush hour traffic and near dinner time. I resolved to return tomorrow and sit on that bike again and run the track again. Hopefully I'll begin to develop a tolerance for the bike seat. And hopefully another great song will come on my MP3 player that helps me have a "Deep Thoughts" moment.