I want to find my hat

I'm tired and need to go to bed. Another morning of abuse from my trainer tomorrow. Still wrestling in my mind why I'm paying her and why she doesn't pay me! But the wheels are turning fast in my head...yet I can't formulate a coherent thought. Throughout the day I've been reflecting on the time since Brad left. I usually try not to do this because thinking back to the 4th of July seems like an eternity ago and it makes me sad to think of the fact that we haven't seen him since then. In addition to that it makes me think of all the lofty goals I had for myself while he was away and all the things I wanted to accomplish and achieve before he returned.

I've been somewhat successful on a few fronts. I've actually read a few books...that is an accomplishment not because I don't love to read but without napping children I never seem to find time anymore. I've lost about 23 pounds...not the 40 pounds I had set as a goal...but I think I may reach the 30 mark before he returns and I'm satisfied with that for now...it's a good start. So those are two small but tangilble things...but overall tonight I feel like I'm just surviving and not thriving. That was what I wanted our goal for our family to be during this deployment...to thrive, not just survive. The end is almost in sight, not quite, but I'm not sure how I'm better, or how the girls are better. I feel like they frequently, too frequently, have suffered from my stress and fatigue and short temper. I'm not sure why I have all the mommy guilt tonight. I just got back from a MOPS meeting...aren't I supposed to be encouraged? I think it makes me think about how much I want to do for the girls...how bad I want them to grow up and say that they want to be the same kind of Mom I was. I'm also reading a book right now called Shepherding A Child's Heart (some of which I agree w/ and some not...but it's a good discussion catalyst) and I think I'm having a lot of discipline guilt as I think about how short I am with them sometimes when I'm really not justified.

I think after MOPS tonight I was just ready to take off the Mom hat for awhile. This hat is getting heavy and old and I would just like to leave it at home for a night and truly be free of it...just for the night, don't get me wrong. But I don't ever feel that complete freedom with a babysitter, just Daddy. So hopefully in the next month or so I'll get that chance. But what will I wear on my head? Just the "me" hat? I hope I can remember what it looks like! I"ll have to pull it out of the closet and dust if off. I think I need to put it on more often and make it a regular part of my wardrobe.