My Confession

I wanted a boy.

That is my confession. I've said it.

I knew this. I've known it since 2001. Since before then actually. I've always envisioned having a son. A few boys actually. Maybe four. Not four girls.

God envisioned something different.

He didn't just envision something different, he had something different already planned.

When Baileigh was born I was so certain that my mother's intuition was correct...to the extent that I had purchased boy bedding and even argued with the doctor when she announced in the delivery room, "it's a girl!"

When Mckenna was born I was okay with the idea of a second girl to play with her older sister. I knew we wanted to have more then two kids so I was pleased with the idea of the boy being number three instead of sandwiched inbetween two girls. When number three was born and she wasn't a boy I was crushed. I loved Brooke instantaneously but I wrestled with disappointment and guilt for the first few months due to my discontentment.

When we started thinking about a fourth baby I knew I couldn't go down that road with the idea of "trying for a boy". So we waited. And I prayed. I prayed a lot about it and asked God for a peace that only He could provide. I struggled daily with the guilt I felt over not being completely content with all my blessings. With the fact that we were able to get pregnant easily. With the fact that we had three healthy children. Three beautiful girls. With a wonderful husband that repeatedly ensured me he envisioned us having four girls and he felt blessed beyond measure at the idea and didn't want me to feel bad about not having a son.

I prayed.

I got pregnant.

I continued to pray.

I prayed for a boy.

I prayed for God's peace if His plan was different then my desires.

We had a girl.

God answered my prayers.

Not the prayer for a boy, but rather the prayer for His peace if His plan was different then my desires.

I have never looked at Morgan and been disappointed in the least bit that she wasn't a boy. That is God. I never doubted that I would love our fourth child regardless of their gender, but I was fearful of the guilt I felt after Brooke's birth. Not only have I felt total peace about our four girls...I now feel complete. Perhaps because my husband talked for years about how he thought we would have four girls...to see them all together laughing and being silly just feels right. Instead of thinking about the things we won't experience by having a boy, my thoughts are always full about all the adventures we'll have with four girls.

God is so good. He is faithful. He heard my prayers. Both of them. All of them. He didn't choose to answer one and ignore the other. He answered all of them in His time and His way.

And how could you not be completely in love with that little girl's face.