Saturday, May 02, 2009

My Confession

I wanted a boy.

That is my confession. I've said it.

I knew this. I've known it since 2001. Since before then actually. I've always envisioned having a son. A few boys actually. Maybe four. Not four girls.

God envisioned something different.

He didn't just envision something different, he had something different already planned.

When Baileigh was born I was so certain that my mother's intuition was correct...to the extent that I had purchased boy bedding and even argued with the doctor when she announced in the delivery room, "it's a girl!"

When Mckenna was born I was okay with the idea of a second girl to play with her older sister. I knew we wanted to have more then two kids so I was pleased with the idea of the boy being number three instead of sandwiched inbetween two girls. When number three was born and she wasn't a boy I was crushed. I loved Brooke instantaneously but I wrestled with disappointment and guilt for the first few months due to my discontentment.

When we started thinking about a fourth baby I knew I couldn't go down that road with the idea of "trying for a boy". So we waited. And I prayed. I prayed a lot about it and asked God for a peace that only He could provide. I struggled daily with the guilt I felt over not being completely content with all my blessings. With the fact that we were able to get pregnant easily. With the fact that we had three healthy children. Three beautiful girls. With a wonderful husband that repeatedly ensured me he envisioned us having four girls and he felt blessed beyond measure at the idea and didn't want me to feel bad about not having a son.

I prayed.

I got pregnant.

I continued to pray.

I prayed for a boy.

I prayed for God's peace if His plan was different then my desires.

We had a girl.

God answered my prayers.

Not the prayer for a boy, but rather the prayer for His peace if His plan was different then my desires.

I have never looked at Morgan and been disappointed in the least bit that she wasn't a boy. That is God. I never doubted that I would love our fourth child regardless of their gender, but I was fearful of the guilt I felt after Brooke's birth. Not only have I felt total peace about our four girls...I now feel complete. Perhaps because my husband talked for years about how he thought we would have four girls...to see them all together laughing and being silly just feels right. Instead of thinking about the things we won't experience by having a boy, my thoughts are always full about all the adventures we'll have with four girls.

God is so good. He is faithful. He heard my prayers. Both of them. All of them. He didn't choose to answer one and ignore the other. He answered all of them in His time and His way.

And how could you not be completely in love with that little girl's face.

6 comments:

Lovin' on my Boys said...

I love that you are always so real and so honest. This post stirred up so many feelings I have had about having three boys. I have never had a problem getting pregnant. I always thought I would have a girl. I prayed for a girl when I was pregnant with Gavin and Casey.

I actually was more disappointed when we found out our second baby was a boy than I was with our third. I think because I thought we would only have two. I didn't find out the gender of the baby on purpose with Casey because I knew I wouldn't be disappointed if I could just hold him in my arms. I was right. Like you, I love my boys and feel very blessed. God has an awesome plan and is so so good.

Jamie said...

wow..thanks for your honesty. I can also relate and appreciate seeing some of my own emotions in your writing. It truly is amazing how God can change our hearts desires.

nilvento said...

My turn - I felt the same way about Joey. I was so sure he was a girl and I wanted a girl, cause boys are weird. Oh well....but I'll tell you something...boys are quite the handful...Joey is so much more rambunctious than Chelsey was....and active. Holy moly!

Kathy said...

I'm so happy to hear that God has answered your prayers of contentment and peace after lil' Morgan came along. That rocks. Now... just tell Brad to start saving his pennies for FOUR WEDDINGS. :) Love you.

Hausfrau said...

Funny...I have a hard time imagining our third not being another girl. Not that we are trying :)

We love Morgan and are so glad she was sent to you all! What a beautiful baby girl.

Anonymous said...

I was surprised my Emma was a girl. The pregnancy was so different than Danielle, I swore she was a boy, knew I was only having two, and feeling content about having one of each. Too my surprise, girl, and I also was a little disappointed. But now, I can't imagine raising a boy or Danielle and Emma not having each other. There is something to be said about the connection and love between sisters. And I live that everyday with mine. I can't imagine going through this medical crisis without her. God works in awesome ways. Enjoy all the love that fills your home.

Stephanie