1,000 Jumbled Thoughts

This post is more for me then you. I need some outlet for my brain. The stimulating conversations with a 6, 4, and 2 year old just aren't cutting it right now and I need to muddle through some random thoughts and I do this best by writing.

About 30 minutes before I find myself sitting here typing, I was breaking into my house. No better way to say "Happy Mother's Day" to myself then to return home to find that one of the girls had accidentally locked the door that we normally keep unlocked, and that I had inadvertenetly never put the house key back on my ring after giving it to someone who was helping with our dogs while we were away. That isn't even what this post is about...but it's a component of where I'm at right now.

Of course Mckenna had to go potty very badly...#2, not just #1. And Brooke was almost asleep in the car so she was in rare form as her tiredness turned into bizarre behavior that I didn't have strength to deal with in conjunction with trying to figure out how to get into our house. Baileigh recognized my stress (perhaps the steam coming out of my ears) and did her best to be strong and entertain her sisters...which meant having them chase her around the yard in their Sunday clothes which led to grass stains on a white shirt and dog poop on a sandal and little toes. I digress.

So after about 30 minutes of heated conversations with God and several failed attempts and phone calls to track down a key or find a door miraculously unlocked after trying the same door thirty times prior...I decided my only option was to break in somehow. I knew that a few of our windows were unlocked, but the issue is that they are the type of window that you crank open instead of raise up or down. I managed to eventually pry one open without damaging the frame very badly but it did break the hing that connects it to the crank. I'm hoping that it is something my husband can fix. At least I didn't have to literally break the glass. I was able to pop out the screen without damaging it and I sent Baileigh through the window to unlock the door. Of course I had my camera and of course I took a picture!

So, believe it or not, this incident is just a metaphor for some of my feelings today and really not the point to why I want to write.

Today one of our pastors announced that he is being called to another church and this was his last Sunday. The cool thing is that this is a sister church in NYC that lost their pastor a few months ago. We loaned him one of our pastors until they could get back on their feet...but after filling in for 3 months our pastor eventually felt God wanted him there permanently and not just in the interim.

His sermon, entitled "Following Jesus" pertained to this change in his own life and the various applications we can make in our lives. His three points essentially were 1) Learn to listen. 2) Learn to let go. 3) Learn to trust. All easier said then done. In 'learning to listen' he talked about how following Jesus sometimes means that in life there are things you have to put on hold. Within this point he also questioned whether or not we ever feel like God is sleeping, essentially not listening or hearing us. 'Learning to let go' talked about how we frequently fear change. Even if something has become unhealthy in our life we often cling to it because we like the familiar and we're scared to step out in faith and face something new. 'Learning to trust' essentially focused on our need to recognize when God is moving or at work and be willing to follow.

There were several circumstances that were running through my mind as I listened. I thought about Leslie and her family and the uncertain future they face since learning that her cancer has returned. I know that despite their strong faith they must feel like God is sleeping in their circumstances. I thought about a friend who is struggling with the changes in her life as she is closing chapters that have been comfortable and familiar. I know that she fears the change. I thought about a friend who is in the midst of a divorce and her reality of being a single parent to two small children. I know that her ability to trust God is hindered by the pain that created the circumstances in her life. I listened intently to the sermon and thought.

And yes, if you're asking yourself if I was able to make any applications in my own life. I mention the other situations above because I think I was busy trying to avoid dealing with myself. I have to go back and explain where I already was at prior to listening to this sermon. If you recall, Brad is gone for two weeks. Two LONG weeks. I'm a seasoned AF spouse now though and this shouldn't phase me, right? Wrong. You essentially grow accustom to what you know (another way this sermon applies) and I've forgotten how to parent solo and it has been a struggle. The girls have forgotten what it is like to have Daddy away and they have complained a lot! So, that said...I've been struggling in my own mind with the possibility of us someday facing another 120 day deployment or even worse a one year remote assignment. I've had many moments over the course of the past few weeks where I have begged God to spare us from that situation. I feel guilty and selfish knowing there are tons of other women who have faced the same situation and survived. But honestly, I rather hear about them and sympathize with them then be one.

So as I sit in church trying to pretend that I'm strong and completely content with Brad being away on Mother's Day I am thinking about what a one year deployment would look like...missed Mother's Days, Father's Day, birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving etc. Those are just the official things...then there is the list of the milestones he would miss and just the small day to day happenings. I'm sensing my emotions rising up in me so I'm distracting my own thoughts by thinking of how this sermon applies to those other situations I mentioned earlier.

I make it through the service with wet eyes but held back actual tears. I survive the social time after church while Baileigh is in choir and pretend that all the families rushing to their brunch reservations or anticipating family get togethers in the evening don't bother me. I indulge the kids with lunch and really don't even care when they don't eat their lunch but consume an entire ice cream Sunday. I listen to some songs on the way home that could possibly set me over the edge but instead I muster a smile and try to find them encouraging. I am fighting the pity party battle and winning!

Then I get home and discover we're locked out. No extra key. No neighbors at home for advice or support. No one around. Feeling alone. Husband in Hawaii! Ironic, huh! Three kids expecting me to have the answers. One Mommy who is tired in more ways then one. I threw in the towel emotionally. We broke into the house and then I broke down. After I literally wrestled Brooke to her room for her nap we both had a good cry together. Nothing more humbling on Mother's Day then having your 26 month old stop her crying and wipe away my tears on my cheek and say "you k, Mommy?"

So in my tears and the quiet of her room I raised the white flag. I surrendered to God and confessed every thought he is already aware of but that I needed to unload. I held one of my three miracles and thanked God for her, regardless of tantrums or dog poop in her toenails. I told him I would trust him with this move and all the details that need to fall in place. With the friendships that need to be established. I foolishly told God that I could survive another 120 day deployment or even a year deployment only with His strength. I hate these moments because I feel God preparing me for the future. Even now as I write I hope and pray that my willingness to put this situation in his hands means he'll reward us by sparing us from the deployment. Unfortunately I've learned that manipulating God isn't very effective.

So as I sit here an enjoy the fragrance from my Yankee Candle and the beautiful tulips Brad sent me and listen to Baileigh and Mckenna playing quietly in the other room (perhaps because they know I'm fragile and it's Mother's Day...but probably more likely because I told them if they kept the noise down while Brooke naps I'd let them watch a movie and have popcorn) I feel tired but at peace. This is far from the typical Mother's Day I would design if I was in control...but if there is one thing I am constantly learning it would be that I'm not in control, like it or not...and that my circumstances are known by God and are part of his design...never plan "B" because the original plan didn't work. There are so many ways I'm thankful that God's plan for my life didn't turn out like the one I had in mind, but it's being able to trust him when we're not happy about how his plans are different then our own that strengthens our faith.

I guess when you feel weak you can only get stronger.